Joke time

Joke time...
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Wife Taaro Ko
  Dekh Kar Boli:
   'Wo Konsi
      Cheez Hai,
        Jo Tum
          Roj Dekh
            Sakte Ho,
              Par Laa
                Nahi Sakte..??

                  Husband::
                    Padosan.!!!��
                     ����������

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Santa at petrol pump
Bhai 1rs ka petrol dal do.
Salesman: Bhai itna sa petrol
dalva ke kahan jana hai?
Santa: Jana kahan hai hum
to aise hi paise udaate hain!!
����
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Santa Car ki Battery change karwane gaya.
Mechanic: Sahab, Exide ki Daal doon?
Santa: Nahin yaar,
Dono side ki de warna phir Problem hogi.
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Ek admi khade-khade chaabi se apna kaan
khujla raha tha
Santa use gaur se dekhte hue bola-
Bhaisahab, aap start nahi ho rahe to dhakka
lagau.
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In exam hall a girl to santa:
Mujhe bas is ans ki starting bata do baki main
likh lungi.
SANTA ne dhyan se idhar-udhar dekha,fir dhire
se bola:
“The”
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Santa ke lips jale hue the
Banta: Kaise jale
Santa: Wife ko railway station drop krne gaya
tha.
Banta: To?
Santa: Khushi ke mare.
Train ke engine ko choom liya!!!......������
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Ladke wale: Hamko Ladki Pasand He,
Shadi Kab Karni He ?
Ladki wale : Abhi to Ladki study kar rahi hai,
Ladke wale:Ha to hamara ladka konsa chhota he jo books faad dega.....
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Wife : "Naari" Ka Matlab Kya Hai?

Husband : Naari Ka Matlab Hai Shakti.

Wife : To Phir Purush Ka Matlab Kya Hai?

Husband :  'Sahan Shakti' ����
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Ladkiwale - Hame aisa Ladka chahiye jo Paan, Cigrette, Daru na leta ho....
Sirf Boiled Khana khae..... Din Raat Bhagwan ka Naam le......
Pandit - Aisa ladka to apko wo samane wale Leelavati  Hospital ke  ICU  mein  hee milega....��
-------------------------

Dukandar- bolo Sahab, kya Chaahiye ?
Aadmi : hone wali Biwi ke Kutte ke liye Cake lene aaya hoon..
milega kya ??
Dukandar : haan.. per yahi Khaaoge  ya  Pack Kar doon ??��������������

Mumbai Indians

Judge: Do you want to stay with your mom?
Child: No. She beats me.
Judge: Then do you want to stay with your dad?
Child: No. He beats me too.
Judge: Do you want to stay with your grandparents?
Child: No, they also beat me.
Judge: Ok. So do you want to stay with your uncle?
Child: No. They beat me too
Judge: Ok. So tell me who you want to stay with? 
Child: I want to stay with Mumbai Indians.

They dont beat anybody 

Sardar rocks

Doctr : i am sorry.
Opration k waqt Rubber k Gloves
aapke pet me reh gaye.
dobara opration karna hoga.

Sardar : abey, pagal he kya?
ye le 20 rupaye
naya le le...��
This "Sardar ji is The Ultimate! 
Sardar ji Bank me paise jama karane gaya.
Cashier-
Tumhare Note nakli hai.
Sardar-
Tujhe kya farak padata hai?
Jama to Mere Account me ho rahe hai na..!! 
Teacher: Your son has failed See his report.
Eng-20
Math-15
Hindi-18
Phy-13
Chem-15
SSt. - 17
Total-98

Santa:Total mein toh kamaal hi kar diya hai..Is Subject ka Teachar kaun hai ! 

SANTA- maine Pichle 20 Saalo Me 1 Baat Note Ki Hai !!
Banta: Wo Kya?
Santa: Saala Jab Bhi Faatak Band
Hote Hai
Tab Train Jaroor Aati Hai.


Santa- tumne itne chhote-Chhote
baal Q katwaye?
Banta- naai ke paas 3 rupye khulle
nahin the, to main bola 3 rupay ke
aur kaat de.....


SANTA- Aaj kal zyada bachche judwa
kyo paida hote hai?
BANTA-Desh me itna AATANKWAAD
badh gaya hai ke bachche akele
aane se darte hai.

Santa student: Miss, kya aap mujhe
raat ko call kar rahi thi??
Teacher: Nahi toh...
Santa: Kamaal hai, subah mere
mobile pe likha tha...
.
.
.
.
MISS CALL.. 

Lolzz pjzz

It is impossible to lose weight just by eating salads. Ever looked at buffaloes? They eat only ------grass.

----------------------------------------Great Confusion:
Jawahrlal Nehru said
"LAZINESS IS YOUR BIGGEST ENEMY"
Mahatma Gandhi said
"ALWAYS LOVE YOUR ENEMY"
Ab batao bapu ki sune ya chachu ki?..                         --------------------------------------------
A Rabbit ����Runs,Jumps
& Lives Only For 15 yrs.

While a Turtle  ��Doesn't Run
Does Nothing.
Yet lives for 300 yrs.

Moral:

Exercise Is Hell, Just Sleep
Well..

Baba Aaramdev

Dr are cool

A Doctor opened a clinic & wrote outside the clinic:

Any treatment will cost Rs.300/- and if we cant treat, we will pay you back Rs.1000/-.

A CLEVER Man comes to do fraud & thinking to get Rs.1000.

He says to the Doctor:

I cant feel any taste on my tongue...

Doctor asks the Nurse to put few drops of medicine from box no 22.

After that the MAN shouts: "What d _____ ...its URINE!!

The doctor says congratulations your sense of taste is back now.

The MAN was angry as he lost Rs.300.

After 2 weeks MAN comes back again & this time he thinks to get back his previous 300 too.

MAN: Doc! I've lost my memory.

Doctor: Nurse! pls put some drops of medicine from Box no 22 on his tongue.

MAN : Wait doctor but that medicine is for sense of taste.

Doctor: Congratulations your memory is back.

Moral: Don't try to be over-smart with Doctors...

Japan vs gujrat

Cudnt resist pass this one on.....

In Japan in a soap manufacturing company,  they were making bathing soaps. The soap blocks were made, then wrapped in a wrapping paper automatically on an assembly conveyer belt and finally packed in cartons. 
Many times it happened that the wrapping machine wrapped the paper without soap. i.e. you had an empty packet without soap.

To rectify this problem the Japanese company bought a x-ray scanner from the US for $60,000/- to check on the  assembly line whether the container contained soap and wasn't empty. 

A similar problem happened at Nirma soaps, in Gujarat..

Guess what the Gujjus did? 

They bought a bajaj fan costing around rs 1500 and placed it on the edge of the assembly line. --the empty wrappers without soaps just blew away!!!

And u say japanese are advanced in technology... 

Mirror

Ise  kehte Naya Message
.

 bahut puraani baat hai....
Ek african apni family k sath jungle me hi  rhta tha....
usane kabhi mirror nahi dekha tha..

1din jungle me use shisha mila.

��Usme khud ko dekh kr smjha k uske baap ki tasvir h

��aur. wo use apne ghar le gya or roz bate krne lga.

Uski biwi ko shak hua,

��1din jb uska pati bahar gya hua tha to usne shisha bahar nikala

��aur apni shakl dekh k boli :
"Accha..
To ye h wo Kal-muhi
jis se mera pati baaten krta hai"

Usne sheesha apni saas ko dikhaya,

��To Saas boli :
"chinta mat kar ..
Shukar mana...
buddhi hai,
jaldi hi mar jayegi" :

��

     Naya aaya hai ...............................................forward karo

McD

Dear McDonald`s Cashier,
Don`t look at me like that. Last time i checked, there was no age limit on Happy Meals.
Sincerely, Don`t forget the toy.

WHAT IS FACEBOOK

• What is Facebook..?? .. .. .. .. ..... Its when a Boy posts a joke, He gets No Response.. :( & When a Girl Posts the same Joke, She gets (50 Likes), (35 friend Requests), (20 Private Messages), & (80 Comments on how Sweet She Is and how funny the Joke Was)

How to handle your life :-D:-P

I asked myself how to handle life ?

My room gave me the perfect answer -

Roof said: Aim high
Fan Said: Be cool
Clock said: Value time
Calendar said: Be up to date
Wallet said: Save now for future
Mirror said: Observe yourself
Wall said: Share other's load
Window said: Expand the vision
Floor said: Always be down to earth ..



Then I looked @ my bed

And it said: chaddar taan k soja....sab moh maya hai...


Tough competition

Samsung Galaxy S5 @  55000, giving tough competition to honda activa and splendour


Be a monk ¿

Beat dis
This is really a great suspense...!!!!!

��

Read it carefully to know what it is...

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?

the monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car��.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound��.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,

We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later,

The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car��.

That night, he hears the same strange noise ��that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning��, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you��. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the earth ��and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles�� When you find these numbers,

you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task.

Some  years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says,

I have traveled the earth�� and have found what you have asked for. There are

145,236,284,232 blades of grass and

231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth��.

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk��.

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door�� where the head monk says,

The sound is right behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, Real funny. May I have the key?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone��.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door ��made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door��, this one made of sapphire,

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,

silver,

topaz,

and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.

The man is relieved to know end.

He unlocks the door,

turns the knob,

and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound

. . . .

. . . .

. . . .

. . . .

����But he can't tell you what it is because

...

...

..
you're not a monk 

Wonderful offer !!!

Take chits in the EXAM,scratch & show2 ur nearst TEACHER & win free trip 2 PRINCIPAL's OFFICE & njoy unlimitd HOLIDAYS at HOME.Hurry offer valid during EXAMS only!! :-P:-P

Movie

A man was watching a movie at
home..
and jor jor se cheekhne laga .....
nooooooooooooo! !!!!!!! Ghode par
se mat utar.. Pagal mat utar..
Its a trap!!
Its a trap!!
Marega saalle..
Wife: Kya dekh rhe ho?
Man: our wedding DVD !

Toilet chat

A guy was siting in d toilet wen someone frm the adjacent toilet said,
1: Hi, how r u ?
He got embarrassed n said,
2: I m fine.
1: So wat r u up to?
2: Wel, just sitting lyk u.
1: Can i come over?
2: No! R u crazy?
1: Listen I wil call u back. There is an idiot in d other toilet answering my questions!

Confidence

Height of Confidence :
Son: school nai jaunga
MOM- kyu
SON- job krunga
MOM- class 1 pad k kya job krega nalayk
SON- KG ki ladkiyo ko tution padhaunga..
Always b confident.. ��


Dominos

Bhikari- hello dominoz?
Operator- yes
Bikhari- 6 large pizza, 6 garlic bread, 3 pepsi
Operator- kis naam se bheju sir?
.
.
.
.
Bikhari- Allah ke naam pe bhej de re Baba 

Get together

Son : papa kal school main ek small get together hai..chaloge???
Father : small get together kya hota hai??
Son : only you me and principal...

Question ka must ans

 A Pakistani asked a question to tease an Indian : "Indians aur kutto mein kitna fark hai?"

Salute the answer replied by the Indian : "Sirf ek Border ka"

Madrasi

Q4. The Madrasi said, I want to see the movie 'heart is umbrella'...

Which movie did he really want to see..?

Ans:- Dil Chhata Hai...!
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