Mumbai Indians

Judge: Do you want to stay with your mom?
Child: No. She beats me.
Judge: Then do you want to stay with your dad?
Child: No. He beats me too.
Judge: Do you want to stay with your grandparents?
Child: No, they also beat me.
Judge: Ok. So do you want to stay with your uncle?
Child: No. They beat me too
Judge: Ok. So tell me who you want to stay with? 
Child: I want to stay with Mumbai Indians.

They dont beat anybody 

Sardar rocks

Doctr : i am sorry.
Opration k waqt Rubber k Gloves
aapke pet me reh gaye.
dobara opration karna hoga.

Sardar : abey, pagal he kya?
ye le 20 rupaye
naya le le...��
This "Sardar ji is The Ultimate! 
Sardar ji Bank me paise jama karane gaya.
Cashier-
Tumhare Note nakli hai.
Sardar-
Tujhe kya farak padata hai?
Jama to Mere Account me ho rahe hai na..!! 
Teacher: Your son has failed See his report.
Eng-20
Math-15
Hindi-18
Phy-13
Chem-15
SSt. - 17
Total-98

Santa:Total mein toh kamaal hi kar diya hai..Is Subject ka Teachar kaun hai ! 

SANTA- maine Pichle 20 Saalo Me 1 Baat Note Ki Hai !!
Banta: Wo Kya?
Santa: Saala Jab Bhi Faatak Band
Hote Hai
Tab Train Jaroor Aati Hai.


Santa- tumne itne chhote-Chhote
baal Q katwaye?
Banta- naai ke paas 3 rupye khulle
nahin the, to main bola 3 rupay ke
aur kaat de.....


SANTA- Aaj kal zyada bachche judwa
kyo paida hote hai?
BANTA-Desh me itna AATANKWAAD
badh gaya hai ke bachche akele
aane se darte hai.

Santa student: Miss, kya aap mujhe
raat ko call kar rahi thi??
Teacher: Nahi toh...
Santa: Kamaal hai, subah mere
mobile pe likha tha...
.
.
.
.
MISS CALL.. 

Lolzz pjzz

It is impossible to lose weight just by eating salads. Ever looked at buffaloes? They eat only ------grass.

----------------------------------------Great Confusion:
Jawahrlal Nehru said
"LAZINESS IS YOUR BIGGEST ENEMY"
Mahatma Gandhi said
"ALWAYS LOVE YOUR ENEMY"
Ab batao bapu ki sune ya chachu ki?..                         --------------------------------------------
A Rabbit ����Runs,Jumps
& Lives Only For 15 yrs.

While a Turtle  ��Doesn't Run
Does Nothing.
Yet lives for 300 yrs.

Moral:

Exercise Is Hell, Just Sleep
Well..

Baba Aaramdev

Dr are cool

A Doctor opened a clinic & wrote outside the clinic:

Any treatment will cost Rs.300/- and if we cant treat, we will pay you back Rs.1000/-.

A CLEVER Man comes to do fraud & thinking to get Rs.1000.

He says to the Doctor:

I cant feel any taste on my tongue...

Doctor asks the Nurse to put few drops of medicine from box no 22.

After that the MAN shouts: "What d _____ ...its URINE!!

The doctor says congratulations your sense of taste is back now.

The MAN was angry as he lost Rs.300.

After 2 weeks MAN comes back again & this time he thinks to get back his previous 300 too.

MAN: Doc! I've lost my memory.

Doctor: Nurse! pls put some drops of medicine from Box no 22 on his tongue.

MAN : Wait doctor but that medicine is for sense of taste.

Doctor: Congratulations your memory is back.

Moral: Don't try to be over-smart with Doctors...

Japan vs gujrat

Cudnt resist pass this one on.....

In Japan in a soap manufacturing company,  they were making bathing soaps. The soap blocks were made, then wrapped in a wrapping paper automatically on an assembly conveyer belt and finally packed in cartons. 
Many times it happened that the wrapping machine wrapped the paper without soap. i.e. you had an empty packet without soap.

To rectify this problem the Japanese company bought a x-ray scanner from the US for $60,000/- to check on the  assembly line whether the container contained soap and wasn't empty. 

A similar problem happened at Nirma soaps, in Gujarat..

Guess what the Gujjus did? 

They bought a bajaj fan costing around rs 1500 and placed it on the edge of the assembly line. --the empty wrappers without soaps just blew away!!!

And u say japanese are advanced in technology... 

Student law of TENTION

CARTOON PHYSICS 1ST RULE

Mirror

Ise  kehte Naya Message
.

 bahut puraani baat hai....
Ek african apni family k sath jungle me hi  rhta tha....
usane kabhi mirror nahi dekha tha..

1din jungle me use shisha mila.

��Usme khud ko dekh kr smjha k uske baap ki tasvir h

��aur. wo use apne ghar le gya or roz bate krne lga.

Uski biwi ko shak hua,

��1din jb uska pati bahar gya hua tha to usne shisha bahar nikala

��aur apni shakl dekh k boli :
"Accha..
To ye h wo Kal-muhi
jis se mera pati baaten krta hai"

Usne sheesha apni saas ko dikhaya,

��To Saas boli :
"chinta mat kar ..
Shukar mana...
buddhi hai,
jaldi hi mar jayegi" :

��

     Naya aaya hai ...............................................forward karo

STRESSED

When you"re stressed you eat chocolate,ice cream, and sweets. You know why? Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

BRAIN

brain is d most out standing object in nature, it works 24 hrs & 365 days, since our birth, it stops wrking only when we enter d exam hall. f*ck off

STUPID

Son: Dad, if you saw a $10 note and a $5 note on the floor, which will you take? Dad: The $10 of course! Son: Dad, you`re so STUPID! Why not take both? Dad: ..... Like if you get it :D

McD

Dear McDonald`s Cashier,
Don`t look at me like that. Last time i checked, there was no age limit on Happy Meals.
Sincerely, Don`t forget the toy.

WHAT IS FACEBOOK

• What is Facebook..?? .. .. .. .. ..... Its when a Boy posts a joke, He gets No Response.. :( & When a Girl Posts the same Joke, She gets (50 Likes), (35 friend Requests), (20 Private Messages), & (80 Comments on how Sweet She Is and how funny the Joke Was)

5 MISSED CALLS

5 missed calls from your mate,
you missed a good party last night.
5 missed calls from your best friend,
they want to hang out.
5 missed calls from your girlfriend,
she wants to talk
.5 missed calls from your Mum, YOUR SCREWED!!

my neighbor

my neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. can you believe that?! 2:30am! luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.

Dear daddy, no matter where i go in life, who i get married to, how much time i spend with guys, how much i love my boyfriend, how much i talk about my boyfriend, you`ll always b my number one man. Sincerely, your little girl.

Dear daddy, no matter where i go in life, who i get married to, how much time i spend with guys, how much i love my boyfriend, how much i talk about my boyfriend, you`ll always b my number one man. Sincerely, your little girl.

MONSTER

Dear Children, When you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.

SILLY MATHS

Math is the only place where I hear someone doing ridiculous things. FOR EXAMPLE, "John has 30 chocolate bars, he eats 23, what does he have now?" DIABETES?? MAYBE???!!

FUNNY WORLD

Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Why doesn`t glue stick to its bottle? Why do you still call it a building when its already built? If you aren`t suppose to drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? funny world.

OSAMA OMG

OMG!!!! Osama Bin Laden`s name backwards is..............................
nedal nib amaso....
OK, it means absolutely nothing....

CROSSING THE STREET

*Crossing the street*
age 5; * holds mommy`s hand.*
age 10; * looks both ways, listens for trafic.
age 15; run like a ninja and hopes they don`t get hit.*

AGE DIFFERENCE

5 year old: I love you mommy. Mom:I love you too hun!........ 15 year old: I love you Mommy!. Mom: I only have 10 Dollars...

SCALE 1 -10

Girlfriend: in a scale of 1 to 10 what am i
? Boyfriend: you`re a 9 Girlfriend: ...
why :( ?
Boyfriend: i`m the 1 you need.

MISSING THE DAYS

You miss the days when you could safely push someone into a pool, now you gotta worry about the iPod, the cellphone, maybe a PSP, you push someone in, it costs you $939.

BLACK N WHITE

*boy whispers to his mom during a wedding*
boy: Mommy?
mom: What?
boy: Why is the girl dressed in white?
mom: Because it`s the happiest day of her life.
boy: So then why is the boy dressed in black?
mom: ....

BEST PRANK EVER

BEST PRANK EVER. . I took my friend`s phone and changed my contact name to mom.
Then texted her: I read you diary. You are grounded and I`m coming to pick you up right now. She started flipping out and got really scared

BOOK

TEACHER: where`s your book?
STUDENT: at home.
TEACHER: and what`s it doing there?
STUDENT: having more fun than me.

RED EYES

Son, why are your eyes so red?
-Yes dad, I`ve been smoking weed.
-Oh thank god! I thought you`ve chopped onions, I don`t like you using knifes when I`m not home.

PHINEAS AND FERB

Me: *watching Phineas and Ferb*
Dad: Aren`t you a little old to be watching Phineas and Ferb?
Me: Yes. Yes I am.

Nice idea

Ironman's secret

Teacher n student

Janta maaf nahi karegi

How to handle your life :-D:-P

I asked myself how to handle life ?

My room gave me the perfect answer -

Roof said: Aim high
Fan Said: Be cool
Clock said: Value time
Calendar said: Be up to date
Wallet said: Save now for future
Mirror said: Observe yourself
Wall said: Share other's load
Window said: Expand the vision
Floor said: Always be down to earth ..



Then I looked @ my bed

And it said: chaddar taan k soja....sab moh maya hai...


Baba ram dev wala Oscar

Tough competition

Samsung Galaxy S5 @  55000, giving tough competition to honda activa and splendour
