The best kinds of laughter:
The best kinds of laughter: 1. Laughing so hard that your laugh becomes silent. 2. Laughing so hard that you feel a six pack coming on. 3. Laughing so hard that tears start coming out.
There are 3 meanings behind "Liking someones status."
There are 3 meanings behind "Liking someones status." 1) I agree. 2) I realize this is about me so Im liking it to rub in your face 3) I want to bang you :)
dearr fb
Dear Facebook, Dont show off! You cant even signup without me! ...Yours Sincerely, MSN, Gmail & Yahoo.
fastest means of communication
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman
Joke time
Joke time...
��������
����������
Wife Taaro Ko
Dekh Kar Boli:
'Wo Konsi
Cheez Hai,
Jo Tum
Roj Dekh
Sakte Ho,
Par Laa
Nahi Sakte..??
Husband::
Padosan.!!!��
����������
������������������
Santa at petrol pump
Bhai 1rs ka petrol dal do.
Salesman: Bhai itna sa petrol
dalva ke kahan jana hai?
Santa: Jana kahan hai hum
to aise hi paise udaate hain!!
����
---------------------------
Santa Car ki Battery change karwane gaya.
Mechanic: Sahab, Exide ki Daal doon?
Santa: Nahin yaar,
Dono side ki de warna phir Problem hogi.
����������
--------------------------
Ek admi khade-khade chaabi se apna kaan
khujla raha tha
Santa use gaur se dekhte hue bola-
Bhaisahab, aap start nahi ho rahe to dhakka
lagau.
������������
---------------------------
In exam hall a girl to santa:
Mujhe bas is ans ki starting bata do baki main
likh lungi.
SANTA ne dhyan se idhar-udhar dekha,fir dhire
se bola:
“The”
����
---------------------------
Santa ke lips jale hue the
Banta: Kaise jale
Santa: Wife ko railway station drop krne gaya
tha.
Banta: To?
Santa: Khushi ke mare.
Train ke engine ko choom liya!!!......������
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
������
Ladke wale: Hamko Ladki Pasand He,
Shadi Kab Karni He ?
Ladki wale : Abhi to Ladki study kar rahi hai,
Ladke wale:Ha to hamara ladka konsa chhota he jo books faad dega.....
��������
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife : "Naari" Ka Matlab Kya Hai?
Husband : Naari Ka Matlab Hai Shakti.
Wife : To Phir Purush Ka Matlab Kya Hai?
Husband : 'Sahan Shakti' ����
---------------------------------------
Ladkiwale - Hame aisa Ladka chahiye jo Paan, Cigrette, Daru na leta ho....
Sirf Boiled Khana khae..... Din Raat Bhagwan ka Naam le......
Pandit - Aisa ladka to apko wo samane wale Leelavati Hospital ke ICU mein hee milega....��
-------------------------
Dukandar- bolo Sahab, kya Chaahiye ?
Aadmi : hone wali Biwi ke Kutte ke liye Cake lene aaya hoon..
milega kya ??
Dukandar : haan.. per yahi Khaaoge ya Pack Kar doon ??��������������
Laziness
Height of laziness:
2 frnz studying at night
1st: Wats the time?
2nd threw an empty beer bottle out of the window
Neighbor: Kamino ab toh so jao, raat ke 3 baj gaye.. ;) =)) =D :D \=D/
Mumbai Indians
Judge: Do you want to stay with your mom?
Child: No. She beats me.
Judge: Then do you want to stay with your dad?
Child: No. He beats me too.
Judge: Do you want to stay with your grandparents?
Child: No, they also beat me.
Judge: Ok. So do you want to stay with your uncle?
Child: No. They beat me too
Judge: Ok. So tell me who you want to stay with?
Child: I want to stay with Mumbai Indians.
They dont beat anybody
Sardar rocks
Doctr : i am sorry.
Opration k waqt Rubber k Gloves
aapke pet me reh gaye.
dobara opration karna hoga.
Sardar : abey, pagal he kya?
ye le 20 rupaye
naya le le...��
This "Sardar ji is The Ultimate!
Sardar ji Bank me paise jama karane gaya.
Cashier-
Tumhare Note nakli hai.
Sardar-
Tujhe kya farak padata hai?
Jama to Mere Account me ho rahe hai na..!!
Teacher: Your son has failed See his report.
Eng-20
Math-15
Hindi-18
Phy-13
Chem-15
SSt. - 17
Total-98
Santa:Total mein toh kamaal hi kar diya hai..Is Subject ka Teachar kaun hai !
SANTA- maine Pichle 20 Saalo Me 1 Baat Note Ki Hai !!
Banta: Wo Kya?
Santa: Saala Jab Bhi Faatak Band
Hote Hai
Tab Train Jaroor Aati Hai.
Santa- tumne itne chhote-Chhote
baal Q katwaye?
Banta- naai ke paas 3 rupye khulle
nahin the, to main bola 3 rupay ke
aur kaat de.....
SANTA- Aaj kal zyada bachche judwa
kyo paida hote hai?
BANTA-Desh me itna AATANKWAAD
badh gaya hai ke bachche akele
aane se darte hai.
Santa student: Miss, kya aap mujhe
raat ko call kar rahi thi??
Teacher: Nahi toh...
Santa: Kamaal hai, subah mere
mobile pe likha tha...
.
.
.
.
MISS CALL..
Lolzz pjzz
It is impossible to lose weight just by eating salads. Ever looked at buffaloes? They eat only ------grass.
----------------------------------------Great Confusion:
Jawahrlal Nehru said
"LAZINESS IS YOUR BIGGEST ENEMY"
Mahatma Gandhi said
"ALWAYS LOVE YOUR ENEMY"
Ab batao bapu ki sune ya chachu ki?.. --------------------------------------------
A Rabbit ����Runs,Jumps
& Lives Only For 15 yrs.
While a Turtle ��Doesn't Run
Does Nothing.
Yet lives for 300 yrs.
Moral:
Exercise Is Hell, Just Sleep
Well..
Baba Aaramdev
Dr are cool
A Doctor opened a clinic & wrote outside the clinic:
Any treatment will cost Rs.300/- and if we cant treat, we will pay you back Rs.1000/-.
A CLEVER Man comes to do fraud & thinking to get Rs.1000.
He says to the Doctor:
I cant feel any taste on my tongue...
Doctor asks the Nurse to put few drops of medicine from box no 22.
After that the MAN shouts: "What d _____ ...its URINE!!
The doctor says congratulations your sense of taste is back now.
The MAN was angry as he lost Rs.300.
After 2 weeks MAN comes back again & this time he thinks to get back his previous 300 too.
MAN: Doc! I've lost my memory.
Doctor: Nurse! pls put some drops of medicine from Box no 22 on his tongue.
MAN : Wait doctor but that medicine is for sense of taste.
Doctor: Congratulations your memory is back.
Moral: Don't try to be over-smart with Doctors...
Japan vs gujrat
Cudnt resist pass this one on.....
In Japan in a soap manufacturing company, they were making bathing soaps. The soap blocks were made, then wrapped in a wrapping paper automatically on an assembly conveyer belt and finally packed in cartons.
Many times it happened that the wrapping machine wrapped the paper without soap. i.e. you had an empty packet without soap.
To rectify this problem the Japanese company bought a x-ray scanner from the US for $60,000/- to check on the assembly line whether the container contained soap and wasn't empty.
A similar problem happened at Nirma soaps, in Gujarat..
Guess what the Gujjus did?
They bought a bajaj fan costing around rs 1500 and placed it on the edge of the assembly line. --the empty wrappers without soaps just blew away!!!
And u say japanese are advanced in technology...
Mirror
Ise kehte Naya Message
.
bahut puraani baat hai....
Ek african apni family k sath jungle me hi rhta tha....
usane kabhi mirror nahi dekha tha..
1din jungle me use shisha mila.
��Usme khud ko dekh kr smjha k uske baap ki tasvir h
��aur. wo use apne ghar le gya or roz bate krne lga.
Uski biwi ko shak hua,
��1din jb uska pati bahar gya hua tha to usne shisha bahar nikala
��aur apni shakl dekh k boli :
"Accha..
To ye h wo Kal-muhi
jis se mera pati baaten krta hai"
Usne sheesha apni saas ko dikhaya,
��To Saas boli :
"chinta mat kar ..
Shukar mana...
buddhi hai,
jaldi hi mar jayegi" :
��
Naya aaya hai ...............................................forward karo
STRESSED
When you"re stressed you eat chocolate,ice cream, and sweets. You know why? Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
BRAIN
brain is d most out standing object in nature, it works 24 hrs & 365 days, since our birth, it stops wrking only when we enter d exam hall. f*ck off
STUPID
Son: Dad, if you saw a $10 note and a $5 note on the floor, which will you take? Dad: The $10 of course! Son: Dad, you`re so STUPID! Why not take both? Dad: ..... Like if you get it :D
McD
Dear McDonald`s Cashier,
Don`t look at me like that. Last time i checked, there was no age limit on Happy Meals.
Sincerely, Don`t forget the toy.
WHAT IS FACEBOOK
- What is Facebook..?? .. .. .. .. ..... Its when a Boy posts a joke, He gets No Response.. :( & When a Girl Posts the same Joke, She gets (50 Likes), (35 friend Requests), (20 Private Messages), & (80 Comments on how Sweet She Is and how funny the Joke Was)
5 MISSED CALLS
5 missed calls from your mate,
you missed a good party last night.
5 missed calls from your best friend,
they want to hang out.
5 missed calls from your girlfriend,
she wants to talk
.5 missed calls from your Mum, YOUR SCREWED!!
my neighbor
my neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. can you believe that?! 2:30am! luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.
MONSTER
Dear Children, When you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
SILLY MATHS
Math is the only place where I hear someone doing ridiculous things. FOR EXAMPLE, "John has 30 chocolate bars, he eats 23, what does he have now?" DIABETES?? MAYBE???!!
FUNNY WORLD
Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Why doesn`t glue stick to its bottle? Why do you still call it a building when its already built? If you aren`t suppose to drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? funny world.
OSAMA OMG
OMG!!!! Osama Bin Laden`s name backwards is..............................
nedal nib amaso....
OK, it means absolutely nothing....
CROSSING THE STREET
*Crossing the street*
age 5; * holds mommy`s hand.*
age 10; * looks both ways, listens for trafic.
age 15; run like a ninja and hopes they don`t get hit.*
AGE DIFFERENCE
5 year old: I love you mommy. Mom:I love you too hun!........ 15 year old: I love you Mommy!. Mom: I only have 10 Dollars...
SCALE 1 -10
Girlfriend: in a scale of 1 to 10 what am i
? Boyfriend: you`re a 9 Girlfriend: ...
why :( ?
Boyfriend: i`m the 1 you need.
BEST PRANK EVER
BEST PRANK EVER. . I took my friend`s phone and changed my contact name to mom.
Then texted her: I read you diary. You are grounded and I`m coming to pick you up right now. She started flipping out and got really scared
BOOK
TEACHER: where`s your book?
STUDENT: at home.
TEACHER: and what`s it doing there?
STUDENT: having more fun than me.
RED EYES
Son, why are your eyes so red?
-Yes dad, I`ve been smoking weed.
-Oh thank god! I thought you`ve chopped onions, I don`t like you using knifes when I`m not home.
PHINEAS AND FERB
Me: *watching Phineas and Ferb*
Dad: Aren`t you a little old to be watching Phineas and Ferb?
Me: Yes. Yes I am.
How to handle your life :-D:-P
I asked myself how to handle life ?
My room gave me the perfect answer -
Roof said: Aim high
Fan Said: Be cool
Clock said: Value time
Calendar said: Be up to date
Wallet said: Save now for future
Mirror said: Observe yourself
Wall said: Share other's load
Window said: Expand the vision
Floor said: Always be down to earth ..
Then I looked @ my bed
And it said: chaddar taan k soja....sab moh maya hai...
Tough competition
Samsung Galaxy S5 @ 55000, giving tough competition to honda activa and splendour
Be a monk ¿
Beat dis
This is really a great suspense...!!!!!
��
Read it carefully to know what it is...
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?
the monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car��.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound��.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,
We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later,
The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car��.
That night, he hears the same strange noise ��that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning��, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you��. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth ��and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles�� When you find these numbers,
you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task.
Some years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says,
I have traveled the earth�� and have found what you have asked for. There are
145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth��.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk��.
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door�� where the head monk says,
The sound is right behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have the key?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone��.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door ��made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door��, this one made of sapphire,
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,
silver,
topaz,
and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to know end.
He unlocks the door,
turns the knob,
and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound
. . . .
. . . .
. . . .
. . . .
����But he can't tell you what it is because
...
...
..
you're not a monk
Wonderful offer !!!
Take chits in the EXAM,scratch & show2 ur nearst TEACHER & win free trip 2 PRINCIPAL's OFFICE & njoy unlimitd HOLIDAYS at HOME.Hurry offer valid during EXAMS only!! :-P:-P
Movie
A man was watching a movie at
home..
and jor jor se cheekhne laga .....
nooooooooooooo! !!!!!!! Ghode par
se mat utar.. Pagal mat utar..
Its a trap!!
Its a trap!!
Marega saalle..
Wife: Kya dekh rhe ho?
Man: our wedding DVD !
Toilet chat
A guy was siting in d toilet wen someone frm the adjacent toilet said,
1: Hi, how r u ?
He got embarrassed n said,
2: I m fine.
1: So wat r u up to?
2: Wel, just sitting lyk u.
1: Can i come over?
2: No! R u crazy?
1: Listen I wil call u back. There is an idiot in d other toilet answering my questions!
Confidence
Height of Confidence :
Son: school nai jaunga
MOM- kyu
SON- job krunga
MOM- class 1 pad k kya job krega nalayk
SON- KG ki ladkiyo ko tution padhaunga..
Always b confident.. ��
Dominos
Bhikari- hello dominoz?
Operator- yes
Bikhari- 6 large pizza, 6 garlic bread, 3 pepsi
Operator- kis naam se bheju sir?
.
.
.
.
Bikhari- Allah ke naam pe bhej de re Baba
Get together
Son : papa kal school main ek small get together hai..chaloge???
Father : small get together kya hota hai??
Son : only you me and principal...
Question ka must ans
A Pakistani asked a question to tease an Indian : "Indians aur kutto mein kitna fark hai?"
Salute the answer replied by the Indian : "Sirf ek Border ka"
Madrasi
Q4. The Madrasi said, I want to see the movie 'heart is umbrella'...
Which movie did he really want to see..?
Ans:- Dil Chhata Hai...!
������
Lol pj
Q3. Prasad ask's Kumble to bring a pepsi... Kumble brings a bottle of pepsi but goes directly to Tendulkar.? why ??
why ??
Ans:- Tendulkar is an opener
Sita is ram
Q2. SITA RAM HAI TO SITA KAUN HAI
Ans - . Sita MEMORY hai (RAM: Random Access Memory)
������
Ram is sita
��DEADLY PJs��
Pls... scrol down at ur own risk...
Q1. RAM SITA HAI ... TO RAM KAUN HAI ?? ...
Ans - . TAILOR ( darzi )
������
Laptop
1 girl went 2 electronics shop wid anger & threw her new laptop on d desk at person from whom she bought. She told d salesman tat u hv cheated me. I cannot transfer file from my previous laptop...Salesman: Madam, can u pls try in front of me? This is what she did:
1)Right clicked d mouse on d file, selected COPY option.
2) Disconnected d mouse.
3)Took tat mouse carefully & connected 2 d new laptop
4)Right clicked d mouse & selected PASTE option. Salesman DIED!!!
Relaxating
Sardar was lying on beach,
Amrican: R u Relaxing?
Sardar: No i m GopalSingh,
Anothr Amrcn: R u relaxing?
Sardar: No
I m gopal Singh
Anothr Amrcn: R u relaxing?
Sardar: No (Shouting)
I m gopal Singh
Sardar left tht place in anger.
Then Sardar asks one American
lying nearby
R u relaxing?
American: Yes.
Sardar slaps him & says,
Haramkhor sab tujhe dhund rahe
hain aur tu yahan leta hua hai
Four zero
'Chaar ZERO
ek saat'
likho.
Likha ? Kaise ?
0000 aise ?
Fail !
Correct ans'4017'
Maa-baap ne kitni ummeedo se paddhaya. Sab paani me gaya
To study
Galileo used 'Lamp' to Study, Graham bell used 'Candle' to study, Shakshpeare studied in 'Street lights' But .....
Do u know about Rajnikant......????
Only Agarbatti...
Fail hone ka reason
Exam me fail hone ki wajah kya
di hain, aaj k honhaar students
ne ??
.
.
1 saal ke 365 din hote hai.. .
Roz 8 ghante sone ke Yani pure
saal
ke 122 din
.
365-122=243 .
aur summer vacation gino 61
din..
243-61=182 din
.
Usme 52 sunday.. .
182-52=130 din..
.
Diwali - holi etc... Festival ke
40..
. College festival 15 din
[40 15=55]
.
130-55=75 din.
.
Khane pine nahane ke 3 ghante ke
hisab se 46 din..
.
75-46=29 din.
.
Roj ke 1 ghante dosto ke.. Uske 15 din..
.
29-15=14 din..
.
Ab hum 10 din to bimar bhi
rahte hai..
.
14-10=4 din bache..
.
T.V dekhne ke 3 din..
. 4-3=1 din bacha Yaar
.
1 saal me 1 din hi to birthday
aata
hai Ab birth day ke din kon
padhe yaar..??.
Parent's shocked Student's
rocked... Jaldi Jaldi Jaldi Jaldi
Share karo! Bilkul naya Bawaal
hai ye!
Catching squirrels
How to catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and just be yourself. Squirrels will come to you on their own. Because they just love NUTS !
Munna bhai
Munna Bhai Ke ghar LADKI hUE.
Circuit- Bhai ab to muhale ke, Sare ladke isko
line marenge.
MUNNA- Tu fikar mat kar re, Apun iska naam
DIDI rakhenge.
Never Mess with Kids
Never Mess with Kids :
A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane. The
man turned to him and said, "Let's talk".
Kid: Ok, what do we talk about ?
Man (making fun of d kid): How about nuclear power?
Kid: Very interesting topic. But let me ask u a
question... Horse, cow & deer, all eat grass. Yet deer
excretes pellets, cow flat potty & horse clumps.
Why?
Man: I don't know.
Child: Do you really feel qualified enough to discuss
nuclear issues when you dont know shit..
Couldn't stop sharing this one...
Santa phones an ambulance
Santa phones an ambulance because his mate Banta been hit by a car......
Santa: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Santa: 'Outside number 28 Connaught Place .'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'
More heavy breathing and another minute later.
Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
Santa: 'Yes, sorry bout dat...
I couldn't spell Connaught place, so I just dragged him round to M G road
Marwadi & Chinese in a train.
Marwadi & Chinese in a train.
A cockroach enters.
Chinese catches it & eats it!
Another cockroach enters.
Marwadi catches & asks d chinese: Kharidego ?
Historic pj
Historic PJ-
Aurangazeb: senapati batao ki hum Shivaji ko kyu Nahi dhund pa rahe hain??
Senapati: kyoki Maharaj hum Mughal Hain, Google Nahi
BEST FOOTBALL JOKE EVER ?
BEST FOOTBALL JOKE EVER ?
Question-What Do You Do After India Wins The Football World Cup ?
Answer.
Switch Off The Playstation
Marte waqt
Banta: Marte waqt aadmi ko kya dena chahiye?
Santa: Birla cement.
Banta: Kyun?
Santa: Kyunki is Cement mein jaan hai
Food
Husband calls his wife in the evening n asks....
Husband: Aaj khaane mein kya pakaya hai?
Wife : Fine long grain white rice hand-picked in the emerald green lap of the Vindhyas and tender golden lentils that was gently simmered over the smouldering kisses of angels.served with dollops of fragrant clarified butter
Husband : WOW...SOUNDS YUMMY??
WHAT IS IT CALLED?
Wife : Khichdi!
D best "oops!"
D Best "Oops!"
Moment of SKUL LIFE..
Wen D Teacher is lukin 4 Some1 to Answer d Question
& u Accidently make an Eye-Contact!!:D;)
Lol joke
Sardar ne 1 raah chalti ajnabi ladki se kaha:- Aapne pehchana mujhe ko.
Ladki:- Nahi aap koun ho..?
Sardar:- Main wahi hu jisko aapne
parso bhi nahi pehchana tha.
Sardar got an sms
Sardar got an sms from his
Girlfriend written as "I Miss You".
Sardar ne apna dimag laga ke 2 ghante baad reply bheja "I Mr.You".
Daant !!
Dr.:- Aapke 3 daant kaise tut
gaye..?
Sardar:- Ji wo wife ne kadak roti banai thi.
Dr.:- To khane se mana kar dete.
Sardar:- Ji wo hi to kiya tha...
Interview
Interviewer: Civil engineering kyun kiya?
Me: Builder banna tha
Interviewer: Koi bhi ek famous builder ka naam batao?
Me: Bob The Builder
#Rejected
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